This is me when I sit on my bed. At this exact moment I was reading a line reading " I want you to fall in two lines please, one for the girls and one for the boys and one for the girls." It reminded me of primary school. I was pleased to have read it.

Sometimes I feel a little bit like i'm out of the loop or i'm missing out on something or whatever. I have this friend, she's the most lovely of all friends and she's in love with this guy. The sort of love people write about you know they meet in the summer and all that what not but anyway. So she'll be telling me about him and how she longs to have him back and me having a completely non existent love life find myself vicariously living through hers and i've come to realise i've never really felt for anyone. I suffer under a monstrous sensitivity and i've always been shy. Maybe not your typical doesn't really talk to people sits alone shy but the sort of shy that stops people from really ever getting to know me but has me getting to know everyone right down to their core. I don't really mind it, I like to have people feel at ease like they can say whatever they'd like and i'm no tell tale. It's just I miss out on this whole confiding part. The only thing it seems the girls I know complain about is their arses and the boy they are currently swooning over and I just don't get it. I feel quite strange or awkward most of the time because i'm often being told i'm distant or seem a little vancant at times but i'm really thinking all the time. Analysing people, myself, trying to maintain. How do you know what you really like doing? There is so much influence everywhere how can you be sure the decisions you're making are your own? I think I like going and doing all of these things but how do I know i'm doing them for me. so many things i'd like to ask. I shouldn't be so observant of everything, it's probably better to just let somethings slide. There is so much confusing evergy about blocking me lately. sound like such a blogger haha. I could write for miles about what i'm thinking about, the secret conversations with my concience and all in my head.

I've fallen in love with these whimsical drawings of scrawny girls.

Here is my attempt, it's tittle is "luna waits, always patient. She cradles her loneliness like a new born child." Bit long for a tittle but who says they have to be short right?

2.

I want to live some place large and flamboyant. Somewhere in the countryside, where law doesn't apply. It must be surrounded by green land with multiple amounts of rooms for all different purposes some cluttered with knick knacks others, nothing at all. A collection of my favourite people would live there and each day we'd delight in long, pointless, beautiful conversation of everything marvelous. The days would be gold. Bob dylan would play music in the attic by day and play cards in the kitchen at night. Every moment filled with such an energy, it would be found no where else. Mystery would hang in the air like mist. It would be a place of marvelous extravagance where no one spoke of time. The grounds would extend for miles and we would never have to face the world.

Maybe I miss sleeping a little.

1.

The feeling of saddness often affiliated with situations in which say, your puppy dies or you have been told off or the loss of an inatimate object which you cannot help but mourn as you have no other real outlet for this feeling. All of these are well and good but what happens when there is no reason when the saddness when it appears like a crow on your window sill it's eyes piercing into your existance, sandpapering your soul. You awake one day every colour little more grey and every sound a little more muffled by the constant clicking which is calculating the precise moment you stop, a perfect equation for your end. You put your favourtie movie on, get a bowl of ice cream and some tissues and think okay this will put and end to this, i just need to cry and become a born again romantic it works everytime. Yeah, that is all this is. Except it doesnt you watch even as they commence to converse using some of the most cheesy of pick up lines and gruelingly unbeilivable facial expressions as they make believe they are really lovers, it just doesnt work. Sleep, and you awake although not awaken it's time to become awake to brush your teeth and comb your hair and watch whatever crap is on television and enjoy it. Yet you cant seem to, you cant even fathom getting out of your bed your dreams make you weary, dreams of the thins you know you will never see it saddens you to your core, to the pit of your stomach to the root of your heart where all things good and evil collide. Its everything and nothing all at the same time, you have them all discussing you and you dont even, you cant even move. So, you stay in bead you wallow in your head ebbing and flowing it's a pattern you've come across to get down and stay there. Resume things as usual go out, life of the party a beautiful facade. Then you fall in ah.. love. A love that burns through your veins causing them to glow a bright blue there it is, your salvation they dont know it yet but you have appointed them to you salvation you really hope they're a straight A student; this task has no room for error. Every day shinning like a new dollar they come through but they always dissapoint or is it you that's doing that? you find yourself questioning. As soon as you're lit up you're dimming down again, back down to the same place you have been oh so many times before except you dont dare think yourself unfortunate or even pity yourself. Okay self evaluation time: food? Yes. Clothing? Yes. House? Yes. Reason? you have forgotten what this used tobe. Snort this snort that, fuck him, kiss her, pop a few and now you are feeling on top. On top of your mound of unwritten letters, so longs, goodbyes and the alarming rate of dishes you have acquired whilst being sad. What have you done? it's in times like these when you need some one to grab a bib, clean you up cradle you and hum something fimiliar. Are you okay? I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay. It's just a matter of remembering inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, forget.